Mind Knots: Euskaltel, Lebanon, Hannah etc.

This is going to be more like a journal entry than a here's-what's-up blog entry. I have so much on my mind and heart right now that I need a place to release it all where the world can see it and give me a big hug.
First of all, this damn keyboard issue. John Mellencamp was right, "you don't know what you got til it's gone." I think he was referring to youth, but I'm referring to something a little less sentimental...my laptop :(. I am so spoiled, checking facebook every few minutes for signs of activity from friends I haven't seen in years, watching funny dog videos on youtube. Let's make this an open forum. Share with me your favorite ways of wasting time on a computer via a comment on this blog...then make me a promise. Don't do it for one day. Read a book, take a walk, send me an intense philosophical argument via email. I'm making do with Miriam's laptop right now, but instead of doing research for this silly Euskaltel project, I'm filling in my journal-blog. Well, they are both valuable, in their own ways. In fact, I'd argue the second is more valuable in the long run.
So about this project. I really do like my class TOI (Teoria de la Organizacion Industrial...if you are an American who can't translate that into English yourself, God help you). It has opened a new channel in my thought, away from words and scatter-brained imagination to concrete, applicable study of a pressing issue: how industry works. For this class, which is half Erasmus students (so many b/c it's an English class) and half natives (I really need a better word for them with a better connotation), the 10 Erasmus divided into two groups and were given the happy option of doing a semester-long study of Euskaltel, a Pais Vasco telecommunications company, or Policlinica (don't even know the spelling), which does medical services. Let's be honest. Neither interests me one bit. This class will definitely expand my...um...patience. And, hopefully, interest in something that isn't utterly theoretical, where pushy relative after pushy relative follows me around with "bachelor's in English? whatcha gonna do with that?" They're right if they're implying that I don't know. They're wrong if they're implying it won't go anywhere.
Speaking of leading somewhere...going places...whatever transition you choose to apply at this point...the Honors Program at LMU emailed me today and told me I'm a "fellow" for this summer. For those who don't know what this means, here you go: the Honors Fellowship is usually a $5,000 scholarship funding self-designed summer study abroad programs. I went all-out. I want to study Arabic language and culture in Lebanon in July. You heard me. If you need to hear my reasons for this, they are too complicated to fit onto a pantalla (computer screen), so ask me in person, or email me. Anyway, I pulled an all-nighter finishing a pretty hard-core application for this scholarship AND our Shakespeare paper due the next day. I'm glad I worked so hard...it appears my decision to go all-out paid off, and I may very well be studying Arabic in Lebanon in July. Pending a few things. It sounds as though the donors who usually fund the scholarship are not sure how much they're giving this time around, and I may not receive as much money as I planned, throwing my budget outta wack (whack?). Also, I applied for the Arabic program in Lebanon...check it out...before the situation escalated in Israel. Any American in her right mind should question the safety. Not that it wasn't dangerous before, and not that I didn't consider it before. If the knowledgeable people I trust enough to give me an unbiased opinion on my own safety say go for it (and I believe they will; they already have), I will go for it. But not without fear. Not only for my comfort and safety. I also fear the logistics I will have to hammer out over the next few months: buying clothing suitable for Beirut weather (very different from San Sebastian weather, or even California weather) and culture, getting plane tickets, safely navegating my way through the Beirut airport in a country where I'm not just "extranjera"...I'm utterly the opposite: American, blonde, and feminist. I may have to tone a few things down.
Don't think I'm not uttery ecstatic at the opportunity. I will be giving my future in the language and culture and field some serious thought. This is why I am so glad to be abroad, where time to reflect and plan and risk is plentiful. LMU can be stifling, sometimes. Fabulous, but stifling. So here's my plan of action...while waiting for confirmation on a monetary amount, 1. look for alternative programs in Morocco or Jordan, the safest Arab countries for Americans. 2. Talk with people I trust about the situation in the Middle East, and my traveling there: Kathleen Harris, Elias Wondimu, Shannen Rossmiller, Nasry and Fulco. 3. work on plane tickets to beirut, and then back home to LA. 4. acknowledge my fear, release it, and GO. I'm not one to back down from a challenge. Because here's the thing. It's dangerous, yes. I may be naive, yes. But here's the thing; I wish all of us could grasp how important it is, if only for a milisecond. If we, the scared-stiff, ignorant side A, don't open our arms and hearts to side B and say, "Yeah, I may think you're crazy, but show it to me through your eyes," this hatred has no end in sight. It will escalate.
What would you do right now if you weren't afraid?
Oh, there's more. And I'm running out of creative juice. Hannah is coming tomorrow morning. VERY exciting. I can't wait to show off this city to somebody, especially to this like-minded midwest chica who is having one cold time in Uppsala, Sweden. We will be going to a few bars and definitely a discoteca...she wants to fiesta like the Spaniards do. That means all night. But not all night. This weekend is also carnaval in Pais Vasco...wack-os dressing up and celebrating before Lent begins. The festivities will be biggest in Tolosa, a 30-minute bus ride away. We may head over there on Saturday. There. Describing my own weekend just motivated me a bit. There's a lot more I could write...about the "Erasmus stereotype," for instance, or about the people I miss most right now, but I'm typed out, and it's almost 7 on a Thursday. Time to siesta, then find something fun to do.
As always, don't doubt you cross my mind, because everything does.